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Posted in Uncategorized on January 22, 2014
Joanna didn’t stand a chance. Not with the dance moves that Richard had so meticulously been working on for six months, since he got the wedding invitation from Kristy and Chad.
The flow, the hips, the steely eyes. Well if these didn’t melt Joanna’s icy heart than Richard had no idea what would.
Finally, the day arrived, Richard dressed in his finest, anxiously waited through the stupid ceremony. “Blah, blah, blah, you love each other and shit. Let’s get to the dancing.” He suffered through a four course meal. Kristy and Chad really did spare no expense.
Finally it came, tables were cleared, the hastily patched together band took their “stage” and Kristy and Chad had their first dance. Richard wasn’t paying attention though, it was probably some shitty Journey song. Finally after what seemed like an eternity it was time. Richard had sought out the lead singer in the wheelchair early in the evening.
“Here’s $20 bro, can I get Styx’s Come Sail Away right away?”
“No worries man.”
It was when he heard the spine chilling piano keys that Richard sprinted to the dance area, nearly knocking over an old lady and decapitating a ten year old. When he finally reached the designated grass he proceeded to launch into the most epic and meticulous dance ever choreographed. Suffice to say Joanna was not impressed, in fact she found him even weirder than before.
Posted in Uncategorized on October 9, 2012
Listen, I know I got everyone’s hopes up with this suggestion of a menage a trois. But honestly, I didn’t really think you would take me up on the offer.
It’s not that I wouldn’t be honored to touch genitals with you guys, it’s mostly that I don’t think I’d have anything to wear…
Scouring my closet I really can’t find anything sexy enough for some hot steamy French sex action. I mean I know my purple thong seems sexy in theory, but in actuality, not so much.
I know that in the heat of the moment, there may be some unexpected penis touching. Trust me, that is not making me hesitant about this. I’m having big problems picking out the right music for the situation. I was thinking maybe some Pizzicato 5, but that reminds me too much of my ex. Perhaps Sergio Mendes, but that may be even too sultry for sexy three-way action.
Also you know what, there is a really important baseball game on tonight and I feel like I will not be fully invested in the satisfaction of all parties involved, myself included. And frankly that is not fair to anybody. I strongly feel that a menage a trois demands the full and complete attention of everyone.
So in summary, it’s not you, it’s me.
Posted in listicle on December 23, 2011
There you have it 300 some odd words on ten great albums for 2011. I didn’t even get to include Wild Flag, Jay-Z & Kanye, Jamie xx, or Feist. Damn it was a good year for music!
Posted in listicle on December 21, 2011
My unfinished novel
Slip-on dress shoes
Bill Murray autographed baseball
Posted in Open Letters on August 24, 2011
Okay, I get it. Not every single one of you is a HUGE Charmed fan like me. That’s okay, not every one of you can be awesome. However I refuse to believe that not a single one of you, my friends isn’t a fan of the brilliant Aaron Spelling produced reali-fanta-dramedy!
Preposterous I say!
I’m 97 episodes in to this thing and not one of my so-called friends has bothered to join me. Do you know how lonely it is watching one episode of Charmed every week by yourself? The answer: Very.
Perhaps you were thrown off by my email declaring the intentions to start a weekly Charmed Watch Party as ‘a way for us to better understand Wiccan and San Francisco culture.’ What you obviously do not know (because you have neglected to show up to any of the first 97 parties is that Aaron Spelling produces ,through the very fine acting of Alyssa Milano, Holly Marie Combs, and Rose McGowan, an almost exact representation of the Wicca spirituality as well as the intricacies and hustle/bustle of San Francisco. Perhaps you felt that you had figured that out with a show like Full House. But I ask you what’s more likely? Three sisters who are witches or three straight guys raising three girls? I think we all know what the answer to that stupid question is!
I can only theorize as to why some of you may have decided to forsake Charmed and therefore me, so I’m going to do just that as well as help alleviate your concerns.
- A fear of the Occult
Okay I get this one, the occult is some scary shit and Charmed is the only show to ever have a Demonologist on staff. But don’t worry the demons on the show are very unrealistic and wouldn’t scare a 10 year old child. I mean if they were real demons, woo boy, look out. Plus most of the demons aren’t really looking to enslave humanity or kill normies. The demons are mostly trying to do things like kill other witches or track down talismans and shit like that. In fact a lot of the episodes feature very little demon interaction.
- Your worried about understanding the plot
Again I kind of understand this one. I mean Charmed began in 1998 and ran for 8!!!* full seasons. I mean this was really before the internet took off. But now all you need to do is check out the Wikipedia page for Charmed and you can get totally caught up. However I strongly suggest you refrain from reading the episode synopsis before you watch as that totally takes away the fun of discovering the mischief and hijinks the Sisters find themselves in week to week. I know it’s hard, but it is totally worth it okay guys.
*Interesting Factoid: Charmed is the longest running hour-long program featuring all female leads. Take that Murder She Wrote and The Facts of Life
- Supernatural being fatigue
Hey I get this one too. There has been a rash of witches, wizards, vampires, zombies, etc. into the consuming marketplace. But need I remind you the Charmed Ones didn’t force you to sit through stupid herbology and potions classes to get 5 minutes of action at the end of a movie. And let’s face it, in Charmed they show a helluva lot more skin and I’d take Alyssa Milano over Emma Watson every day of the week and twice on Sundays.
Case in Point:
So once again I implore you to re-consider your disappointing lack of attendance to my Friday night Charmed party. This week is Episode 98 entitled “Y Tu Mummy Tambien” You can probably guess the plot but suffice it to say Phoebe falls prey to a demon and finds herself once again in a sticky situation. This episode also features the captivating Julian McMahon as Cole. I can’t wait to see you all there.
Yours in Wiccan strength,
Posted in Presidential? on August 19, 2011
Presidential candidate/crazy person Michele Bachmann assured God-fearing ‘Mericans that under a Bachmann presidency we will see $2 gasoline. Now any sane person understands that unless we go after reckless oil futures trading and drastically cut our dependence to all oil (both foreign and domestic) this is an asinine promise.
With that being said here are some of my promises. All of which I assure you are more likely to happen before we see the likes of $2 gasoline.
Future President Zeller promises you plebe the following:
- The Cubs will win the World Series! This is already happening folks.
- A Smiths reunion concert
- Hydrogen powered Hovercars
- An unprecedented year of World Peace, brought to you by Metta World Peace
- A REAL explanation to the relationship between Doc Brown and Marty McFly
- Ultimate Frisbee in the Olympics
Again this is not an exhaustive list of things that I can promise will happen before $2 gas. Just a few of the more probable ones.
*Brought to you by mood-altered Friends of David Committee
Posted in Uncategorized on August 18, 2011
Okay, we should probably talk about this. I really like you and you seem to enjoy my company as well. Anyways in the interest of full disclosure I feel like we should let it all hang out you know? Honesty as some sort of policy, am I right?
That being said you should probably know that I spent a night in a Mexican jail. I know, I know, it sounds like it’s a big deal, but really it isn’t. I mean who hasn’t spent a Spring Break messing around and making mistakes right? It was just a misunderstanding between the local law enforcement, a killer margarita, and me. It was nothing really. My bro showed up the next day with bribe money and I skedaddled out of the country. So, really no biggie.
Numero dos. I quite literally have never missed an episode of Survivor. Like, my entire social calendar is set around watching Survivor live. In fact I refuse to watch it on DVR, but of course I have never had to, because, as I said I have never missed an episode. I mean I’m not sure if it’s possible for a show to improve with every successive season quite like Survivor has. Jeff Probst shits metaphorical gold with every Tribal Council. As a side note I have contributed 28 videotaped auditions for the show. Now I know what you’re probably thinking. You are more than likely thinking wait haven’t there only been 22 seasons? You sir would be correct! 6 seasons, in complete fandom I sent in multiple tapes. Now I’m not crazy, I of course wore disguises. But I’m still waiting for that call maybe Survivor: South Pacific is my shot.
Finally my father is a cannibal. Now hold on, your perhaps asking yourself, why I didn’t lead off with this one? Quite frankly my father’s cannibalism doesn’t define me. You know they say you can pick your nose and your friends but you can’t pick your family. That is true, I mean obviously I would not have chosen a cannibal for a father, but alas. Now before you get hung up on my Dad’s urge for the thigh of humanity let me tell you, he’s a wizard over the grill. The Hunger is most certainly not a trait, I mean it cant be carried in DNA right? My father’s lust for the flesh of humans has had very little impact on my development as a good person who also occasionally craves man-meat.
So, was there anything you wanted to tell me?