Dealbreaker?

Okay, we should probably talk about this. I really like you and you seem to enjoy my company as well. Anyways in the interest of full disclosure I feel like we should let it all hang out you know? Honesty as some sort of policy, am I right?

That being said you should probably know that I spent a night in a Mexican jail. I know, I know, it sounds like it’s a big deal, but really it isn’t. I mean who hasn’t spent a Spring Break messing around and making mistakes right? It was just a misunderstanding between the local law enforcement, a killer margarita, and me. It was nothing really. My bro showed up the next day with bribe money and I skedaddled out of the country. So, really no biggie.

Numero dos. I quite literally have never missed an episode of Survivor. Like, my entire social calendar is set around watching Survivor live. In fact I refuse to watch it on DVR, but of course I have never had to, because, as I said I have never missed an episode. I mean I’m not sure if it’s possible for a show to improve with every successive season quite like Survivor has. Jeff Probst shits metaphorical gold with every Tribal Council.  As a side note I have contributed 28 videotaped auditions for the show. Now I know what you’re probably thinking.  You are more than likely thinking wait haven’t there only been 22 seasons? You sir would be correct! 6 seasons, in complete fandom I sent in multiple tapes. Now I’m not crazy, I of course wore disguises. But I’m still waiting for that call maybe Survivor: South Pacific is my shot.

Finally my father is a cannibal. Now hold on, your perhaps asking yourself, why I didn’t lead off with this one? Quite frankly my father’s cannibalism doesn’t define me. You know they say you can pick your nose and your friends but you can’t pick your family. That is true, I mean obviously I would not have chosen a cannibal for a father, but alas. Now before you get hung up on my Dad’s urge for the thigh of humanity let me tell you, he’s a wizard over the grill. The Hunger is most certainly not a trait, I mean it cant be carried in DNA right? My father’s lust for the flesh of humans has had very little impact on my development as a good person who also occasionally craves man-meat.

So, was there anything you wanted to tell me?

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