The Things I, Billy Crystal, think on my way to a meet with Brett Ratner

I’m Billy ‘Fucking’ Crystal goddamit. If I want to host the Oscars for the Ninth time, who the fuck is this Brent Ratsnest to deny me. Did you see me last year, two fucking minute standing ovation.

I'm Billy 'Fuckin' Crystal

Have you seen me in a tux? Billy Crystal’s ass was born in a fucking tux. I dance, I sing, I emote with the best of them. Billy Crystal is in a class all of his own. So you tell me Britt Radner, do you have the ability to resurrect the dead and re-animate the corpse of Bob Hope? Oh you don’t? Well then you have no business not hiring the classiest motherfucker on the planet, me, Billy Crystal.

Seriously who watched that shit last year. Did anybody watch that stoner fuck Jimmy Frango, what the fuck has he ever been in?  Do you know the last time the Oscars got better than a 26 rating, that’s right motherfucker, 2004 and who was hosting? That’s right dick, me, Billy ‘The Violator’ Crystal. What can Billy Crystal say other than he draws a fucking crowd!

But seriously Brian Ridnour, Billy Crystal really doesn’t have shit else to do next January and you’d be a fucking moron if you think I’m doing any of that USO shit, like that dick Bob Hope!