Archive for August, 2011

An Open Letter to my so-called friends re: Charmed

Okay, I get it. Not every single one of you is a HUGE Charmed fan like me. That’s okay, not every one of you can be awesome. However I refuse to believe that not a single one of you, my friends isn’t a fan of the brilliant Aaron Spelling produced reali-fanta-dramedy!

Preposterous I say!

I’m 97 episodes in to this thing and not one of my so-called friends has bothered to join me. Do you know how lonely it is watching one episode of Charmed every week by yourself? The answer: Very.

Perhaps you were thrown off by my email declaring the intentions to start a weekly Charmed Watch Party as ‘a way for us to better understand Wiccan and San Francisco culture.’ What you obviously do not know (because you have neglected to show up to any of the first 97 parties is that Aaron Spelling produces ,through the very fine acting of Alyssa Milano,  Holly Marie Combs, and Rose McGowan, an almost exact representation of the Wicca spirituality as well as the intricacies and hustle/bustle of San Francisco. Perhaps you felt that you had figured that out with a show like Full House. But I ask you what’s more likely? Three sisters who are witches or three straight guys raising three girls? I think we all know what the answer to that stupid question is!


I can only theorize as to why some of you may have decided to forsake Charmed and therefore me, so I’m going to do just that as well as help alleviate your concerns.

  • A fear of the Occult

Okay I get this one, the occult is some scary shit and Charmed is the only show to ever have a Demonologist on staff. But don’t worry the demons on the show are very unrealistic and wouldn’t scare a 10 year old child. I mean if they were real demons, woo boy, look out.  Plus most of the demons aren’t really looking to enslave humanity or kill normies. The demons are mostly trying to do things like kill other witches or track down talismans and shit like that. In fact a lot of the episodes feature very little demon interaction.

  • Your worried about understanding the plot

Again I kind of understand this one. I mean Charmed began in 1998 and ran for 8!!!* full seasons. I mean this was really before the internet took off. But now all you need to do is check out the Wikipedia page for Charmed and you can get totally caught up. However I strongly suggest you refrain from reading the episode synopsis before you watch as that totally takes away the fun of discovering the mischief and hijinks the Sisters find themselves in week to week. I know it’s hard, but it is totally worth it okay guys.

*Interesting Factoid: Charmed is the longest running hour-long program featuring all female leads. Take that Murder She Wrote and The Facts of Life

  • Supernatural being fatigue

Hey I get this one too. There has been a rash of witches, wizards, vampires, zombies, etc. into the consuming marketplace. But need I remind you the Charmed Ones didn’t force you to sit through stupid herbology and potions classes to get 5 minutes of action at the end of a movie. And let’s face it, in Charmed they show a helluva lot more skin and I’d take Alyssa Milano over Emma Watson every day of the week and twice on Sundays.

Case in Point:


So once again I implore you to re-consider your disappointing lack of attendance to my Friday night Charmed party. This week is Episode 98 entitled “Y Tu Mummy Tambien” You can probably guess the plot but suffice it to say Phoebe falls prey to a demon and finds herself once again in a sticky situation. This episode also features the captivating Julian McMahon as Cole. I can’t wait to see you all there.

Yours in Wiccan strength,



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Presidental Platform

Presidential candidate/crazy person Michele Bachmann assured God-fearing ‘Mericans that under a Bachmann presidency we will see $2 gasoline. Now any sane person understands that unless we go after reckless oil futures trading and drastically cut our dependence to all oil (both foreign and domestic) this is an asinine promise.

With that being said here are some of my promises. All of which I assure you are more likely to happen before we see the likes of $2 gasoline.

Future President Zeller promises you plebe the following:

Again this is not an exhaustive list of things that I can promise will happen before $2 gas. Just a few of the more probable ones.

*Brought to you by mood-altered Friends of David Committee

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Okay, we should probably talk about this. I really like you and you seem to enjoy my company as well. Anyways in the interest of full disclosure I feel like we should let it all hang out you know? Honesty as some sort of policy, am I right?

That being said you should probably know that I spent a night in a Mexican jail. I know, I know, it sounds like it’s a big deal, but really it isn’t. I mean who hasn’t spent a Spring Break messing around and making mistakes right? It was just a misunderstanding between the local law enforcement, a killer margarita, and me. It was nothing really. My bro showed up the next day with bribe money and I skedaddled out of the country. So, really no biggie.

Numero dos. I quite literally have never missed an episode of Survivor. Like, my entire social calendar is set around watching Survivor live. In fact I refuse to watch it on DVR, but of course I have never had to, because, as I said I have never missed an episode. I mean I’m not sure if it’s possible for a show to improve with every successive season quite like Survivor has. Jeff Probst shits metaphorical gold with every Tribal Council.  As a side note I have contributed 28 videotaped auditions for the show. Now I know what you’re probably thinking.  You are more than likely thinking wait haven’t there only been 22 seasons? You sir would be correct! 6 seasons, in complete fandom I sent in multiple tapes. Now I’m not crazy, I of course wore disguises. But I’m still waiting for that call maybe Survivor: South Pacific is my shot.

Finally my father is a cannibal. Now hold on, your perhaps asking yourself, why I didn’t lead off with this one? Quite frankly my father’s cannibalism doesn’t define me. You know they say you can pick your nose and your friends but you can’t pick your family. That is true, I mean obviously I would not have chosen a cannibal for a father, but alas. Now before you get hung up on my Dad’s urge for the thigh of humanity let me tell you, he’s a wizard over the grill. The Hunger is most certainly not a trait, I mean it cant be carried in DNA right? My father’s lust for the flesh of humans has had very little impact on my development as a good person who also occasionally craves man-meat.

So, was there anything you wanted to tell me?


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The Things I, Billy Crystal, think on my way to a meet with Brett Ratner

I’m Billy ‘Fucking’ Crystal goddamit. If I want to host the Oscars for the Ninth time, who the fuck is this Brent Ratsnest to deny me. Did you see me last year, two fucking minute standing ovation.

I'm Billy 'Fuckin' Crystal

Have you seen me in a tux? Billy Crystal’s ass was born in a fucking tux. I dance, I sing, I emote with the best of them. Billy Crystal is in a class all of his own. So you tell me Britt Radner, do you have the ability to resurrect the dead and re-animate the corpse of Bob Hope? Oh you don’t? Well then you have no business not hiring the classiest motherfucker on the planet, me, Billy Crystal.

Seriously who watched that shit last year. Did anybody watch that stoner fuck Jimmy Frango, what the fuck has he ever been in?  Do you know the last time the Oscars got better than a 26 rating, that’s right motherfucker, 2004 and who was hosting? That’s right dick, me, Billy ‘The Violator’ Crystal. What can Billy Crystal say other than he draws a fucking crowd!

But seriously Brian Ridnour, Billy Crystal really doesn’t have shit else to do next January and you’d be a fucking moron if you think I’m doing any of that USO shit, like that dick Bob Hope!


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